Never in my life have I been more excited, more scared, for the future. Indeed, the future never seemed something to look forward to. It seemed so far away as to be nearly non-existent. The tactic for many years has been 'make it up as I go along'. Big picture wasn't a concept I entertained, and details were something I ignored. Where did that leave me? Floundering. I was drowning, and I was intentionally unaware. Because of my immature ideals, several years back, I ended up on the streets. For nearly 3 months, I had nowhere to go. Unemployed, a veteran, nobody I felt I could reach out to. Homeless. It was by the Powers that it happened during the warmest months, as I live in northern Illinois.
Yet I recall very clearly not being bothered much by the situation. I'd spend my days wandering around, bumming what I could. Food, water, the essentials were all either handouts, or ill-gotten.
As this experience shaped me into the person I am, I can almost say I'm happy it happened (though pride isn't something I feel). Clearly, it was something that needed to happen to me. Before, everything was taken for granted. Leave it to the Powers to remind me otherwise. Besides, I met my fiance after it happened. I wasn't ready, emotionally or spiritually, to appreciate another human being beforehand; I didn't even appreciate what I was given.
Once I "woke up", I realized that something, or Something, was missing. That tap on the shoulder I mentioned before became more and more intense as time went on. It reached the point that when I turned around, though I couldn't see anything, I was aware of Something waving it's arms and shouting as loud as possible. This was something that could no longer be ignored. And so, I reached out. Through an acquaintance at the time, I reached out for some spiritual guidance. What I was told was simple, yet I've tried to adhere to it since: Listen. As I said, simple. Just calm your mind and listen. There is Something trying desperately to get my attention; It now had it, fully.
I've tried different spiritual paths. As a child, I was Baptist. As a young adult, I sought Catholicism. Though there were certain things I enjoyed about them, but it was obvious that it wasn't what I was meant for. Again, that persistent tap on the shoulder. And so I listened. I asked questions. At the end of the day, though, no one could answer the question that bugged me the most: What do I believe? That isn't something that comes from outside. For the first time, I truly did search my soul. I got down to the very essence of who I am, and I suddenly had my answer. The reason these paths didn't work was, again, very simple: I do not believe in God.
Let me clarify- I don't believe in the Christian God. The idea of a single omnipotent, omniscient being didn't sit right, and it never had. The world is such a fantastic place, full of magnificent wonders, impossible miracles, unfathomable beauty. No single being can be responsible. I suppose I subscribe to the old adage, "It takes a village to raise a child".
As with many others before me, I was drawn down this path. I have never believed in coincidence, and I never will. Everything happens as it was meant to. The Universe will have its' way.
My mother believes we are descent from the ancient Druids. Though they were before recorded history, it's hard to be certain. Anything is possible, though, so who knows?
An ancestor of mine was respected, yet feared, in her community. As there is no exact detailing, what I'm to understand is that she performed enchantments and made potions. Perhaps that is why I'm drawn down this path. Forget the whithertos and whyfores, then. I find myself treading this path, but not alone.
It is a time of learning for me. This is a part of me that has always been, but only just now am I able to let it flourish. My 30th year proves to be the most spiritually fulfilling I've ever experienced. I've my soul mate, and those closest to help me through anything.
Merry met, and merry part...
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